Relationships can be as fulfilling and satisfying as a well-prepared meal—each ingredient contributing unique flavor in a combination that serves perfection {as in wholeness, not flawlessness.} In my observation of heterosexual male-female romantic relationships, there are two powerful “seasonings” that keep couples feeling seen, supported, and fulfilled: the admiration and adoration pair. They complement each other like salt and pepper—two seasonings with with their own distinct flavor.
For a modern couple, admiration often translates into respect for a partner’s hard work, character, or competence. Meanwhile, adoration focuses on the sustainability of emotional connection, love, and cherishing the other person. Both are equally valuable and meet different emotional needs, contributing to a stronger, more balanced bond.
Fellas, what does it mean to adore your lady? Ladies, what does it mean to admire your man? How can understanding both lead to harmony—especially when men and women often crave different yet complementary forms of emotional support?
This blog post is a companion to the “Pop-Up 26: Admiration & Adoration” episode on the Match Marry Mate Show Podcast. It’s a summary of Joyice and Jeremiah’s talking points as a reference along with hyperlinked video examples to support you.
Men Often Crave Admiration {Respect}
My husband likes to paint a picture of this trait using the sports analogy of “blocking and tackling,” which in American football means carrying out the fundamental tasks—blocking to prevent opponents from reaching the quarterback, and tackling to stop the opposing team’s progress. In the same way, an upright man consistently handling the everyday responsibilities and taking on tough tasks—often behind the scenes—lays the essential groundwork for a relationship.
As a response to this less-than-glorious work, many men desire respect—even more so than love; but why? Because respect is often the foundation upon which men interpret love. If a man doesn’t feel respected, he may struggle to even believe that he’s loved.
Many men also place a high value on respect because it signals whether their partner trusts their competence, character, and decision-making. When a woman demonstrates this kind of admiration, she’s indicating that she believes he’s capable of handling important responsibilities in his domain. It’s often the strongest indicator, my husband claims, of where her trust lies, with him or outside of him.
Here’s how that admiration can play out:
- Listening Attentively: Giving him space to share his thoughts and opinions without jumping in or assuming you know better.
- Valuing His Time: Showing up on time { especially if he has a demanding schedule.}
- Defending Him in Public: Being his ally in public— watching his partner join the crowd in criticizing or belittling him tears him down greatly.
- Believing in His Competence: Trusting that he’s making decisions in good faith, even when you not agree.
- Check Your Tone: Men are sensitive to tone {the way women are to volume,} so before you crash out on that man, know that tone can harm or heal.
Women Often Crave Adoration {Love}
Women frequently mention how much they desire to feel adored. They crave an emotional intimacy, tenderness, and a sense that they are valued not just for their beauty, fertility, sex appeal, or emotional labor, but as someone whose heart, mind, and spirit matters deeply to their male partner.
Often, women appreciate a man’s declaration of his love for her or even public gestures at times—no, it doesn’t have to be a grand flash mob or an extravagant dinner, but simply a moment where she’s clearly chosen and celebrated. It could be her man taking her hand in public and saying, “I’m so proud to call this woman my wife,” while sharing why he feels that way specifically about her and who she is as a woman, or forms of doting that acknowledges why he finds valuing in covering her, caring for her, and celebrating her.
Here’s how that adoration can play out:
- Consistent Support: Show up, even if you don’t understand understand why it matters all the time—give her no reason to doubt what she means to you.
- Emotional Intimacy: Create the space and time to listen, validate her feelings, and connect beyond surface-level topics.
- Public Gestures of Affection: Show her off, not just because she is beautiful but because you are proud of yourself for how you pour into her—could be a social media post, some gesture in front of fam and friends, or a planned, intentional date.
- Small Everyday Actions: Thoughtful gestures—a midday text, tidying up a chore she hates, or surprising her with a small treat—can speak volumes.
- Make Plans {aka Close the Deal}: Women often have many tabs open in their brains, so help quiet that noise by being explicit and clear with the fact that you want to see her—when, where, and the appropriate attire.
So, Who’s the Proverbial Prize?
I am sure you have heard, “He who finds a wife finds a good thing and gains favor from the Lord” before. It suggests that the woman is the proverbial prize—the party often pursued. The man, in turn, relishes that feeling of having “won” this amazing partner. This idea establishes the roles of each partner that creates purpose and value in the relationship: if the woman is the prize {the adorned} then the man is the winner {the admired.}
I do not intend this as an oppressive patriarchal approach. It’s more about the joy and privilege of having a partner whose presence elevates your life and improves your wellbeing. The man feels a boost to his ego and sense of status while the woman feels loved and a sense of security in her position—she is not just some woman, but the woman for him.
Biblical conversation aside, this idea has bled over into a cultural context where women maintain their “prized” nature and some men profess it for themselves too. In our view, this prized state is not to reduce a woman to an object—rather, my husband explains, it can be understood more like a precious garden that yields abundant fruit when nurtured.
- When a man chooses to work in his “garden” {i.e., the relationship,} it flourishes and produces the intangible fruits of stability, growth and longevity.
- The woman, as this garden, yields a bounty of warmth, support, and life that the man can’t simply produce on his own.
In the age of social media, we often see “gender wars” where men and women pit their needs against each other. When we treat admiration and adoration as opposing forces—rather than complementary pieces of the puzzle—we all miss out because both partners need respect and love, but prioritize them differently.
Our Possession and Position Natures
A woman might light up if her partner publicly declares his love for her, and it affirms her position in his life. A man might feel most at peace from a private conversation where he’s told how much his hard work is noticed and appreciated, and it affirms his decision to choose her.
Both enjoy {public} affirmations but usually in different ways:
- Many men appreciate it when their partner brags about them in front of family or friends—praise for how he takes care of her and/or their lifestyles, his devotion to his community, passion projects, or his children, or his professional wins can be a major confidence booster. This can also look like coming to his defense in front of others or supporting him when the group doesn’t quite align with his opinions.
- Women typically thrive on the feeling that he’s proud to have her by his side, and that he reveres her position as sacred. It offers a sense of emotional security, and affirms that she is cherished—both privately and publicly. When he declares how special and important she is to him, he’s effectively saying, “You matter to me in a way no one else does,” which nurtures deeper trust and intimacy in the relationship.
So, while a man can feel a surge of pride just from his female partner being on his arm, a woman needs more. Yes, there’s something wonderful about being on his arm, but she also wants to feel uniquely valued and be raised on his pedestal. Notice that I use the word “possession,” not “possessive.” I realize this language, even along with “position” can be tricky, but if we approach it with the right mindset, it’s not to promote the historical controlling behavior of men or objectifying behavior of women.
Instead:
- Possession {for men} can mean, “She’s with me–she’s mine. I’m proud to protect and care for her.”
- Position {for women} can mean, “Because I’m with him, there’s a distinct place I hold in his life that no one else can fill. He honors that role, and it matters to him.”
Final Thoughts
Ultimately, what matters is knowing what makes your partner feel adored or admired. One of the simplest ways to keep both admiration and admiration alive is to pay attention to what resonates for them—not just following the norms or what everyone else does.
Yet, what I have learned in my time of serving and supporting Black women and couples is that:
- when a woman feels adored, she radiates confidence, security, and warmth that enriches the relationship.
- when a man feels admired, he steps into a healthy self-assurance that can anchor the partnership.
- these energies aren’t in competition—they’re complementary.
So, be encouraged to reframe your thinking or your approach to dating, relationships, and marriage with a complementary perspective. Remember the salt-and-pepper principle: admiration and adoration are different, yet paired essential ingredients that can create the flavor both partners have been craving. ✨
We grow as we go,
