At the DC Relationship Education Center, I often hear a common question from Black women: “What makes a man decide to marry?” It’s an important question, especially when we consider how being ready for marriage can positively shape its outcome. Add to that the reality that many marriageable Black men prefer to keep their options open, and the question becomes even more vital. So, where better to look for answers than to Black men themselves?
What Makes Black Men Want to Marry?
From a qualitative study conducted by researcher Tera R. Hurt (2014), five major themes emerged as reasons why Black men choose marriage. I usually shy away from research that’s more than a decade old, but on this topic—like many aspects of Black marriage—not much has changed over time, making it even relevant today. Let’s break them down:
1. Wife’s Characteristics
A strong and consistent finding was that men deeply valued the qualities of their wives. Almost 40% mentioned their wives’ specific characteristics—patience, compassion, strength, and independence—as central to their decision. One man emphasized how his wife’s independence made her even more attractive: “She didn’t need me for financial gain… she just wanted companionship.” The women who inspired these men to marry weren’t just partners; they were respected and admired as individuals.
2. Spirituality
Spirituality also played a powerful role, influencing about 27% of the men interviewed. They felt that divine guidance had led them to their wives. One participant even mentioned hearing God’s voice telling him, “It’s time.” This highlights the significance of faith and spirituality in shaping relationship decisions, particularly in Black communities where religious and/or spiritual life is often integrated into daily living.
3. Desire to Be Together
About 19% of men reported that they wanted to spend their lives with someone who genuinely cared for them. For these men, marriage was about companionship and building a life together. One man noted, “I wanted to spend my life with somebody who wants me for me, not for what I can give them.” This mutual affection and support laid a strong foundation for their commitment.
4. Readiness to Marry
Readiness was another key factor. Many men mentioned reaching a point of maturity or specific life milestones, such as career stability and financial independence, which made them feel ready for marriage. They described marriage as something they became ready for after personal growth, experimentation with dating, and achieving professional milestones.
5. Encouragement from Others
External influences like family, mentors, and spiritual leaders also played a role. While fewer men (12%) identified this factor, those who did often cited impactful conversations with respected figures in their lives. One man spoke about his grandfather and friend modeling positive marriages and offering direct guidance about being a responsible husband and father.
What Holds Black Men Back from Marrying?
Understanding barriers is just as important as knowing motivators. The study also highlighted five key barriers Black men often face:
1. Personal Reservations
The most significant barrier (27%) was personal reservations, often rooted in fear or uncertainty about lifelong commitment. Some men expressed concerns about trusting themselves or their partners fully, while others grappled with the concept of “forever.” One participant humorously quoted Outkast’s song “Ms. Jackson”: “Forever, ever? Ever, ever?” to describe his initial hesitation.
2. Perceived Loss of Freedom
Close behind was the fear of losing freedom, including social interactions and romantic opportunities. Men openly admitted struggling with letting go of past habits like partying or dating multiple women. The idea of settling down meant redefining freedom, which initially seemed intimidating for many.
3. Disapproval from Others
Some men faced significant external opposition (13%), particularly from family members. One participant shared a painful experience where his mother strongly disapproved of his relationship, even boycotting his wedding. Such external pressures can be challenging to overcome, underscoring the importance of supportive social networks.
4. Prior Relationship Experiences
Past relationships posed another barrier (10%), causing apprehension about potential repeat disappointments. Men described needing to mentally separate past negative experiences from their current relationships, a process requiring substantial emotional growth.
5. Financial Concerns
Contrary to popular belief, financial barriers (8%) were cited less frequently but still significantly impacted the decision to marry. Concerns included establishing financial stability and securing comfortable living arrangements, demonstrating how economic readiness continues to influence marital timing.
Would Black Men Marry Earlier, Later, or at the Same Time?
When asked if they’d marry at the same time, earlier, later, or not at all if given another chance, responses varied:
- 44% would marry at the same time, appreciating the maturity and life experiences gained before marriage.
- 30% would marry later, desiring more career and financial stability.
- 23% wished they’d married earlier, feeling they’d waited unnecessarily or missed valuable years together.
- 3% said they wouldn’t marry again, despite currently being happy, citing the challenges of monogamy or contentment with singlehood.
Let me know your thoughts! How do these insights resonate with your experiences? Are there other factors you’ve noticed?
