Have you ever found yourself looking back at a connection, wondering, How did I let this go on for so long? You wanted something meaningful—deep conversations, consistent interactions, a connection that felt real. And yet, despite those things happening, the situation ended with you realizing how low-priority you were in his orbit.
There was no explosive betrayal, no dramatic falling out. Instead, it was the slow unraveling of clarity: you had been an option in a space where you wanted to be a priority. Even without a formal conversation about exclusivity, you still found yourself emotionally tethered to a man you were only “talking to.”
So, how did you get here, and how can you improve?
Time Investment Alone Does Not Curate Commitment
We often say we can’t help who we fall in love with, but I want to challenge that. Yes, you can feel an immediate spark with someone—that part may seem beyond you. But afterward, investing your time and energy is a deliberate choice, and with each step, your feelings deepen and intertwine all the more.
One of the most powerful realizations here is how much time played a role in the attachment. It’s not just chemistry or attraction—it was the hours of phone calls, the intentional space you allowed him to carve out in your life.
For many of the women I counsel, emotional attachment grows through regular, meaningful interactions. Yet a common challenge arises: men may not always place the same emphasis on “relationship” time. Even if or when they do, as a woman who treats her time as a personal asset, it’s important to learn whether the person you’re dating also values shared time similarly. This difference doesn’t mean either party is at fault; it simply reflects different perspectives on what progress looks like in a budding relationship. Understanding this helps women remain mindful, so they don’t assume that steady talks or dates alone indicate relationship formation.
I realize not everyone engages in multi-dating but for those who do, it’s important to account for the fact that your suitors, like you, may be dating other people—exploring to see who aligns with them best. The mistake many women make is assuming that just because a man spends time with them, he is building with them. I often witness women who are aware that the man they’re talking to is not her man, yet they invest into the connection as if it were an exclusive relationship.
This isn’t about men who lie or dodge defining the relationship—that’s a separate issue and often a clear red flag. Instead, I’m referring to those who are honest from the start {in word or deed} about what they do or don’t want, while women dismiss it. But in reality, consistently sharing {misaligned} time does not curate commitment.
Applying Attachment Theory to Early Connections
Women are not universally “crazy” or neurotic in their attachments. John Bowlby, the founder of attachment theory, highlights that consistent, repeated interactions can naturally foster emotional bonds. While this isn’t a blanket statement about all men and women who are not securely attached, if I could only guess, many men might lean toward an avoidant attachment style, while many women might lean toward an anxious attachment style. Attachment theory also teaches us that different styles have different needs—those with an anxious attachment style often crave frequent communication and reassurance, whereas those with an avoidant style may prioritize independence and need more space.
Treat Your Time As Sacred
As long as you aren’t being deceived, I believe no one can truly waste your dating time but you. That’s why I emphasize to my clients how fully they own their time and how sacred it really is. When something is sacred, we approach it with intention and care. We guard what we hold dear from what doesn’t align with our values, ensuring it remains reserved for genuine growth and meaningful experiences. When we treat our time this way, we honor both ourselves and that future committed relationship.
Practical Steps to Protecting Your Time
Women must protect their time. Protect your time the same way Auntie Maxine reclaimed hers in 2017. Before over-investing—before pouring into hours of conversation, shared experiences, and emotional intimacy—there must be a clear assessment of what is being built.
This means:
✅ Setting boundaries around your time – Decide how much time you will share with men who are simply getting to know you until there is a reason to invest more.
✅ Gaining clarity on new developments – If deep conversations and frequent interactions are happening, there should be a clear understanding of what that means.
✅ Avoiding mismatched investment levels – If he isn’t investing intentional effort, then overextending emotionally isn’t necessary.
✅ Understanding that availability is not a strategy – Just because there is time to spend doesn’t mean it should be given away freely.
Be Strategic, Not Passive
This isn’t about avoiding all emotional risks but about being strategic and discerning—ensuring that time spent is aligned with mutual investment. While dating does require some time to get to know someone, passively waiting to see how a man will act toward you is rarely a wise strategy.
Women are not obligated to wait for men to figure out what they want or who they want. A woman’s time is just as valuable as a man’s; and if she wants to become a biological mother, perhaps it is more valuable, at least on the dating market. The moment she starts treating it as such, she positions herself for relationships that are intentional, reciprocal, and worth her time.
So, before spending countless hours talking to a man who is not your man, ask yourself:
🕰️ Does he value this time as much as I do?
🕰️ Is this connection creating momentum toward the kind of progression I want?
🕰️ Am I investing in someone who is equally investing in me, and with similar intentions?
🕰️ What is he doing to warrant any heavy time investment on my part?
Because time wasted isn’t just time lost—it’s an opportunity cost for the love and commitment that you want.
We grow as we go,
