Have you ever opened a dating app and instantly felt a familiar mix of excitement, curiosity, and anxiety? Online dating is often portrayed as a fun, convenient way to meet potential partners, but for many Black women, it’s a digital minefield filled with racial fetishization, biased algorithms, and exhausting emotional labor.
Recently, Jasmine Banks and colleagues (2024) from University of Michigan took a deeper dive into this issue, revealing just how pervasive and problematic fetishization can be. In their study, they interviewed 20 Black women between the ages of 18 and 30 who have used dating apps in the last six months. What they found wasn’t entirely surprising, but it paints a clear and necessary picture of the modern online dating experience for Black women.
The Hidden Bias in “Neutral” Technology
Let’s start with something we might overlook: algorithms. Those mysterious digital formulas designed to match you with potential partners based on your “preferences” aren’t as neutral as they seem. Participants in this study were well aware that algorithms often reinforce racial biases, subtly influencing who gets seen and who gets ignored.
Sarah, a participant, explained, “Algorithms can never truly be unbiased because they’re made by humans.” This highlights an uncomfortable truth: racism and sexism don’t vanish when we enter digital spaces. They simply become coded into the platforms we use every day.
What is Fetishization?
Participants described it as being reduced to body parts or stereotypes, often hypersexualized and objectified without consent. It’s being pursued not for who you are, but for a fantasy built around harmful racial stereotypes.
Emily, one of the study’s participants, candidly described fetishization as something you’d find on a secretive internet search not openly shared in everyday conversations. “It’s something you’d look up on PornHub but wouldn’t tell your friends about,” she explained, emphasizing its hidden yet widespread nature.
The Emotional Toll of Fetishization
Constantly navigating this landscape is exhausting and emotionally draining. Participants in the study reported feeling objectified and dehumanized. Fancy, another participant, summed it up powerfully: “Dating apps make me feel like an object, something to be appraised or experienced and then discarded.”
This objectification is often rooted in deeply ingrained stereotypes about Black women’s bodies and sexualities—stereotypes that date back centuries to colonialism and slavery. The researchers found that these historical patterns continue to manifest explicitly in online dating spaces today.
Crafting the “Perfect” Profile
When it comes to setting up dating profiles, Black women often face a tricky balancing act. The researchers found that participants consciously tried to avoid photos that could provoke hyper-sexualization. Fancy mentioned removing bikini photos to avoid unwanted sexual advances. Yet, ironically, even modest photos didn’t always prevent inappropriate comments. Vivian shared that despite her preference for baggy clothes, she still received intrusive remarks like, “I know you’ve got a body on you underneath those clothes.”
Intersectionality Matters: Size and Skin Tone
Fetishization doesn’t stop at race. It intertwines with other identities like body size and skin tone, further complicating the dating experience. Plus-sized participants often faced fetishization uniquely targeted at their size. Honey described receiving messages loaded with stereotypes: “I bet you can cook. I bet you got good p*ssy.” Such interactions reinforce harmful stereotypes that simultaneously exoticize and demean.
Skin tone adds another layer. Dark-skinned women shared stories of being exoticized, reduced to comments like “pretty for a dark-skinned girl.” Such “compliments” are backhanded at best, reinforcing the harmful narrative that darker skin is inherently less attractive, exotic, or something to be experienced out of curiosity rather than genuine appreciation.
Vetting Profiles for Red Flags
For safety and self-protection, many Black women carefully vet profiles for red flags. Guns, confederate flags, or even fishing photos were seen as indicators of potentially unsafe or racist partners. Tasha vividly described her instant rejection of men with hunting gear, associating it with a violent or racist mindset. She was especially cautious about white men, recognizing higher stakes related to safety and racial violence. This constant vigilance becomes an additional emotional burden that Black women must bear just to navigate online dating safely.
Direct Encounters and Emotional Impact
The direct messages and interactions often reinforce feelings of alienation and objectification. Participants encountered explicit profiles stating racial “preferences,” often coded in exotifying terms like “Nubian queen” or comparing skin tone to desserts like caramel or chocolate. Such interactions were jarring, undermining self-esteem and leading to feelings of discomfort and disillusionment.
Natalie, another participant, described a particularly troubling interaction with a man explicitly seeking dark-skinned women for “slave play,” a disturbing reminder of the very real ways historical racial dynamics continue to permeate the dating world.
What Does This Mean for Relationships?
These experiences have real, tangible impacts. They shape how Black women view relationships, their self-worth, and their openness to intimacy. Sarah expressed frustration that Black women rarely experience the same care and softness often afforded to white women. Lola described feeling like her Blackness was something partners felt they had to “deal with” rather than celebrate. The “strong Black woman” stereotype further denies Black women emotional vulnerability and softness, a barrier to forming meaningful relationships built on mutual care and respect.
Moving Towards More Equitable Dating Spaces
So, where do we go from here? It’s clear that dating apps need significant changes to become safer and more inclusive. Platforms must address algorithmic biases, improve moderation to swiftly handle harassment, and foster spaces where genuine, respectful connections can flourish.
Moreover, education is vital. At the DC Relationship Education Center, we believe that awareness and open dialogue about these issues are the first steps toward change. Recognizing the impact of racial fetishization is essential, not just for Black women, but for everyone involved in online dating. Black women deserve spaces where their whole selves—complex, nuanced, and fully human—are valued and loved. It’s not just about dating; it’s about justice and respect in every interaction, online and offline.
Reflection Questions
As we close, reflect on these questions:
- How have your dating app experiences affected your view of relationships?
- What changes would make online dating safer and more inclusive for you?
- How can you advocate for yourself and others against fetishization in your online dating interactions?
