Happy Black Love Day {2/13} and Happy Valentine’s Day {2/14}!
In honor of all the love in the air—and to help counter some of the negative messages we too often hear about dating and relationship dynamics between Black women and men—let’s turn our attention to something more affirming: the qualities we genuinely appreciate in one another.
Understanding these qualities can help guide your dating journey or strengthen your current relationship. In her insightful 2014 study, LaKeshia Carhee captures the authentic voices of Black young adults who share the traits they most value when building romantic connections. While I typically prefer to highlight research published within the last decade, Carhee’s findings still resonate today—so I’m making an exception and sharing it with you!
Let’s explore the three major themes uncovered:
1. Strength and Candor
If there’s one thing Black men and women appreciate about each other, it’s authenticity coupled with resilience. Being open, honest, and unafraid to speak your mind is highly attractive, according to Carhee’s study.
Participants mentioned that they admire when their partners communicate openly, even if it might be uncomfortable. Sydney, a senior in college, says: “I appreciate that many African American males are outspoken and not afraid to express their feelings.”
But there’s a nuance here: being candid shouldn’t cross the line into arrogance. Jaclyn shared, “Most men tell it like it is… they don’t hold onto things as much as women do.” It’s clear that for many Black women, straightforward communication offers clarity and simplicity, something valued in relationships.
Meanwhile, strength emerged as a powerful trait for both men and women. Glenda, pursuing a graduate degree, beautifully articulated, “I love their strength, dedication to provide, and their will to endure.” For her and many others, this strength isn’t just physical, it’s mental and emotional resilience, the ability to thrive despite external pressures.
For Daniel, strength translates into independence: “I love the sense of independence in Black women…It’s like the fact that you don’t need me for anything makes me want to do more for you.” This balance of autonomy and partnership creates a powerful attraction.
2. Mutual Understanding and Sensitivity
Another theme was the importance of understanding and sensitivity. Black women particularly highlighted how much they value a partner who genuinely gets their experiences. Cicely, a married woman, expressed: “African American men can relate to me in ways men of other nationalities simply cannot.” For Black women navigating a world filled with unique cultural nuances and challenges, having a partner who naturally understands your experience is comforting.
Hailey added another layer, emphasizing the emotional aspect: “Gentleness—I like feeling safe knowing that a man won’t hurt me but will be there for me.” For many women, safety and emotional security are as crucial as shared experiences.
Yet, there’s an important caveat. Tayla, a single mother, expressed appreciation yet frustration: “They are kind, loving, sweet… I would like to see more of them become men instead of running away from problems.” She reveals the importance of not just emotional sensitivity but also emotional maturity and responsibility.
3. Leadership and Protection
The final theme was leadership and protection, traits that Black women respect in Black men. Ciara succinctly defined leadership: “Leadership is when a man properly assumes his position as head of the house.” This traditional viewpoint can translate as responsible, stable, and caring, aligning with what many Black women seek in partnerships.
On the protective side, several women strongly resonated with the instinct Black men display in defending their loved ones. Lucinda shared, “I love that Black men are strong and protective of their women.” This isn’t just physical protection; it includes emotional safeguarding and standing up during challenges. Chloe, another participant, echoed, “African American men seem to have a protective instinct,” showing value for feeling genuinely cared for and defended.
Leadership also ties into ambition and work ethic. Jayla appreciated a Black man’s passion for work: “If there is something they love to do, they usually work to perfect it.” This ambition isn’t just attractive but inspiring and motivating as well.
Carhee’s study shows us that Black men and women do value one another! Whether you’re currently dating, in a committed relationship, or simply reflecting on what you want and need in love, these themes can serve as guideposts. They remind us that love rooted in honesty, shared understanding, emotional maturity, and purposeful care is possible and already happening in our communities.
