We’ve all heard that relationships thrive on good communication. But it’s not just about how well you express yourself—it’s also about how well you receive your partner. Two major attributes, another complementary pair, that often make or break this dynamic are validation and challenge.
This blog post is a companion to the “Pop-Up 27: Validation & Challenge” episode on the Match Marry Mate Show Podcast. It’s a summary of Joyice and Jeremiah’s talking points as a reference along with hyperlinked video examples to support you.
Understanding Validation
Validation is the process of affirming, acknowledging, or accepting your partner’s feelings, thoughts, or experiences without judging or correcting them. You don’t have to agree with them, but you do need to communicate that you understand where they’re coming from. Think of validation as a type of emotional glue that bonds two people, fostering trust, intimacy, and safety.
WHY VALIDATION MATTERS
- Emotional Security: When your partner feels validated, it reduces anxiety and emotional turbulence. They know they can be open and honest without being dismissed.
- Conflict De-escalation: A simple, “I see how that upsets you, and I’m sorry,” can do wonders for lowering defenses during heated moments.
- Better Listening Skills: Validation requires careful listening. By focusing on your partner’s words—rather than formulating a counterpoint—you’re far more likely to grasp their perspective and help them to feel heard and seen.
While I’ve been aware of how important validation is in romantic relationships, I recently noticed my own marriage therapist’s approach to facilitating this work between my husband and I. She would not even begin the real work that needed to be done until we were able to report that we both fully understood the other’s viewpoint. If two partners can’t confidently say “Yes, I get where you’re coming from,” there’s little point in trying to solve deeper issues. That fundamental layer—I hear you, I see why you feel that way—is incredibly necessary.
Validation ≠ Agreement
One common misconception about validation is that it means you have to agree with or endorse what your partner is saying, but this is not so. You can disagree and still validate your partner’s feelings. Maybe your partner is convinced you rolled your eyes yesterday {when you swear you didn’t!}, but from where they stand, they saw a gesture that felt dismissive. You don’t have to accept blame if you truly didn’t mean to roll your eyes, but you do need to say something like, “I can see how you thought I was giving you attitude, and I’m sorry you felt dismissed.”
WHEN TO NOT VALIDATE
What to validate is in the word: validate what is valid. It’s important for a couple to define what fits here on their own but for starters what is valid are usually:
- The facts {so no fake news}
- A person’s experiences, feelings, believe, or thoughts
- Common or universal suffering and challenges
I mentioned on this podcast episode how a former partner and I added more to our validation definition by getting on the same page with how we processed the nature by which storytelling should continue. This add-on falls outside of the standard definition, but we made it our own. So, I encourage you and your partner to do so too, if needed.
Four Pillars of Validation
Let’s break it down into four practical steps:
- Acknowledgement: Recognize your partner’s emotional state or perspective. Example: “I see this is really stressing you.”
- Empathy: Demonstrate you understand what they’re feeling, even if you’d react differently. Example: “It makes sense that you’d be upset, given everything that happened.”
- Non-Judgment: Avoid criticism, minimizing, or dismissive language. Don’t say, “You’re overreacting” or “It’s not a big deal.” Instead, try, “I hear you. I want to understand more.”
- Support: Offer words or actions to reassure your partner. If they’re worried about a big presentation, you might say, “I believe in your skills—how can I help lighten your load this week?”
These practices help defuse heated emotions {when necessary} but they also reaffirm a sense of togetherness. It’s that intangible feeling of being on the same team rather than opponents.
Understanding Challenge
Validation is powerful for building safety and closeness, but there are times when your partner needs to be challenged by you too. Being present in your relationship helps you to be dialed in on what your boo may need {and when.} So, challenging your partner {and receiving it} ensures relationships grow and stay dynamic. Many of us confuse challenging our partners with criticizing or nagging them, but healthy challenges actually stem from a place of respect, belief in your partner’s potential, and the desire to see them thrive. Now, let’s understand more on how to approach this energy with our partners or spouses.
Challenges for Men: “I Respect Your Potential/Ideas”
In many cases, men often respond well to challenges framed as respect for their potential or their ideas {which men often interpret as their abilities.} Now, because I largely support Black women and couples, I wanted to account for how a woman can effectively and positively challenge a man {with regard to their need for admiration/respect.} So, I asked my husband to weigh in here and he says that men and women alike often appreciate a little nudge toward their best selves, but there’s a way to do it. Oftentimes, it is best received by men when their partners and wives come across as respectful and supportive. He made a point to distinguish what most men, he believes, views as nagging and challenging–the difference lies in framing.
FRAMING IT RIGHT
- Start with Belief: “I know you’re passionate about fitness, and you said you want to crush it this year. How’s it going?”
- Avoid Blame: You’re not calling them “lazy” or “unmotivated.” Instead, you’re spotlighting their own words and goals.
- Offer Help, Don’t Impose: “Anything I can do to support you?
This approach feels more like teamwork than an attack, evoking the vibe of a reminder rather than pressure. By acknowledging a man’s existing skill set and linking it to a new challenge, you bolster his sense of capability and autonomy–which also increases that likelihood that he’ll go even harder on the task.
Challenges for Women: “I Value Your Talents/Dreams”
In many cases, women often appreciate when a challenge is framed as value in their talents or abilities, or in their dreams. To share a personal example of how this occurred with me, my husband sent me a reel and asked for my opinion. After I shared my thoughts, he quickly came back with, “See, this is why you belong on stages!” It was a soft push but I recognized where it was coming from because he’s recently been encouraging me in this area. And you know what? It landed. His comment made me think, “Alright, I need to figure out how to make this happen,” because something about how I responded clearly created an impact. It reminded me I’m capable of more and gave me the motivation to become intentional about it. Oftentimes, for women, the subtext is, I see you, and I am placing my faith in you as a down payment toward your actualization.
FUN FACT: While Drs. John and Julie Gottman speak about the importance of both spouses supporting each other’s dreams, for wives in particular, sharing their dreams and feeling supported by their partners can significantly contribute to a sense of partnership and validation. For many wives, they say, dreams may also involve the desire to nurture relationships, achieve balance between career and family, or sustain a meaningful legacy.
In short, validation {and challenge} can look like this in heterosexual romantic relationships:
- For him, promote or push his potential/ideas
- For her, promote or push her dreams/talents
DISCLAIMER: Ladies, in this context, we’re not talking about a man who has never achieved anything meaningful. My husband has previously discussed on the podcast the difference between a man with true substance versus someone who merely has charm. Similarly, I have extensively addressed—whether on the podcast, in my practice, or through Clubhouse sessions—how unwise it can be to prioritize potential over actual performance.
Why We Need Both
Challenging each other in a healthy and appropriate way should come in the form that your partner specifically values it: speaking into his potential and speaking into her dreams, and the desire to see your partner evolve and thrive.
In a nutshell:
- Validation = “I see your feelings and value them.”
- Challenge = “I believe in your abilities and want to help you stretch further.”
Both energies essentially say: I am here with you, and I am in this with you. That “I’m rooting for you” energy can come from a warm hug or a verbal “You’ve got this!” Other times, it’s a “Hey, you said you wanted to tackle this goal. What’s going on, and how can I help you stay on track?” Balancing these two approaches is key to keeping your relationship solid and forward-moving. You need both.
Know When to Press Pause
Sometimes you’ll do everything “right”—lead with respect, clarify a shared goal, offer help—and your partner still resists. Maybe they get defensive or dismissive. That itself is valuable information about where they are emotionally or mentally. They might not be open to your input, or they might be wrestling with something deeper. Take a step back and reflect:
- Is this a sign that the timing is off?
- Is there underlying fear or stress they haven’t voiced?
- Am I pushing too hard for my outcome rather than our outcome?
Relationships are an ongoing dialogue. Sometimes pressing pause and revisiting later is the healthiest move. But, there are times where a certain kind of defensiveness, dismissiveness, or inaction are reasons to seek professional help or make choices about the nature of or the future of that relationship.
Conclusion
When done right, validation and challenge are two sides of the same supportive coin. Used together, they create a sweet spot of emotional safety and growth. It’s amazing how these little shifts in tone and approach can transform the entire energy of your conversations and the quality of your wellbeing and your romantic relationship.
We grow as we go,
